Tuesday, November 29, 2022

We’re on a Road to Nowhere


Pittsburg City Council is working hard to improve our health. The City wants to see us out and about, enjoying the wonderful polluted (cough, cough,) I mean fresh, air that streams in off Route 4. Sorry, sorry…you know I mean the Delta. Yes, we are in dire of need of some outdoors time. So what’s the plan? I’m so glad you asked, Dave. 🙂


It turns out that the California Active Transportation Program awarded the City $312,000 (gasp!) to fund a Safe Routes plan. This will be used to improve our burgeoning number of bike lanes (tongue only slightly in cheek there, I promise). So it is with great pleasure I present to you the design for the new Pittsburg Bike-route *System* – or BS. As city leaders well know, anything called a *system* is better, and BS is what they pedal…


So the Bike-route System (BS) will be a shining example of modern technology. This will be way more than a plain green strip painted onto asphalt (like we see over the hill…). Let’s take a look…


Unlike other cities’ bike lanes, the Pittsburg BS will feature the following:


1) Not one but two lanes – an up lane and a down lane. See I told you it was modern!

2) Lights that indicate the direction of flow (like those floor level emergency exit lights on a plane. You know – the ones no-one has ever actually seen, or wants to…)

3) A 5 foot high barrier on both sides to protect the cyclist from the berserk drivers that frequent our road system. (Pittsburg has the second highest bicycle collision injury rates in East Contra Costa County. Not to mention a hit-and-run driver whose actions recently tore a family apart and left a little kid growing up without his dad…)

4) Since no one likes riding in the rain, the system will feature a custom-manufactured, moisture protection device (or ‘roof’). This has the added health advantage of shielding users from UV radiation emitted by that extremely dangerous bright thing that hangs in the sky during the day. (Seriously, the City should do something about that, too).

5) Because of the cover, walls, lighting, and crowds, the BS will be very warm in summer, increasing the risk of heat-related illness for people exercising. Therefore, it will be air-conditioned for comfort and safety. Expert consultants with ice-cold misting bottles will be stationed at strategic points along the route to cool users…whether they like it or not.


As you know, our leaders are very careful to maintain the beautiful appearance of our city, by strict attention to maintenance. detail Did you all spot the magnificent repair to the fountain on the corner of E 5th and Black Diamond? Weeeell, who needs water in a fountain anyway, eh? And it is to keep up this facade (oops, there I go again), I mean excellence and civic pride, that the BS will be decorated with random mattresses, bags of trash, construction debris, and drug paraphernalia. This should fit right in with the look and feel of the De-Anza trail.


So, I hear you ask, where will this marvel of pedulatory technology be built? Of course, you know we’ve had a sneak preview of the plans and they indicate that this BS will start at the entrance to Civic Avenue and run for about 200 feet north. You see the problem with bike trails in Pittsburg (apart from the mattresses, the trash, rocks, various old car parts, and other detritus adorning them), is that they go nowhere. So this one will be a perfect match. Why not save the money? Because it’s a grant – use it or lose it, amirite? No matter how ridiculous the system.


~ HAL 9000