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Press Release: City to Build Homeless Navigation Center

 

PRESS RELEASE

October 31, 2019

For Immediate Release

Media Contact: Conan O’Brien, City Manager(?), 925-252-4850

City of Pittsburg Building Homeless Navigation Center in Park

New structure to take over Buckley Square in city’s downtown. 

Pittsburg’s newest attempt to revitalize its downtown includes closing a popular public park and building a “Navigation Center” for the homeless and disenfranchised.

A Navigation Center is a semi-permanent structure that allows hundreds of homeless people to congregate, sleep and receive social services. Something that Pittsburg has long been lacking.

Pittsburg City Manager Conan O’Brien announced the project at a recent Neighborhood Meeting amid cheers of support from city staff and law enforcement. “We have put a lot of effort into making certain our downtown regains the notoriety that it once had,” said O’Brien. “We really want to be sure that our downtown never competes with other parts of the city or with places like Clayton or Walnut Creek,” he added. 

Pittsburg Mayor Juan Banal agreed saying “We have clear goals; and in order to meet them we need to receive as much State and Federal financial assistance as we can. The only way to do that is to make certain our population has as low an average income as possible. Our City needs a large homeless and disadvantaged population to keep our average low so we can reap the benefits of State handouts.”

“We decided to embrace the downtrodden image that Pittsburg has suffered with for decades,” said Collette Simpleton, Economic Development Princess. “Since we have been unable to attract any decent large employers to Pittsburg, our new plan is to live up to our bad reputation. Embrace our bad image and get as much free stuff from the government as we can,” Simpleton added.

The center opens soon, said O’Brien, “It gets cold out there in the winter, so we are naming our new Navigation Center ‘Big Chill,’ an homage to a movie from the 1980’s. If we are going to embrace the worst of Pittsburg, why not name our new center after a movie from the decade when corruption and crime were what Pittsburg was all about.

“Ahhh, the good old days.”

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One thought on “Press Release: City to Build Homeless Navigation Center

  1. Allen Tatomer

    Too damn funny. This is pure gold…I mean, Pittsburg copper.

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