Monday, September 21, 2020
GovernmentQuality of LifeSatire

New Diesel Station to Open in Pittsburg

Pittsburg’s Empress of Economic Development, Cruella de Vil-Simpleton, announced today that the newest business to open in Pittsburg, “that she alone is responsible for,” will be a Valero Diesel/Gas Station at the Railroad Avenue/Highway 4 Overpass (See above). 

“Slated to open in May 2018, my, er, our new station brings with it a whole slew of awesome attractions for Pittsburg,” said de Vil-Simpleton. “Diesel trains, buses, and other high-polluters are anticipated customers at this new jewel of Pittsburg. One that I, er, we worked so hard to bring here.”

When asked how the location for this new enterprise was chosen, de Vil-Simpleton seemed confused. “Honestly, the City Manager and I looked for the worst possible location and selected the site half-way across a bridge, with no drop-off area, and no safe parking. The fact that it is also at the crossroads of the city’s worst rated intersection just made it perfect! I love it. Oh, and the retro-’80s teal color…we love that, too!”

“We expect long lines backing up onto Railroad Avenue during all the peak travel times. The morning and afternoon rush hours, along with the busiest times for the High School, will be such an adventure!” said City Manager Jose Sobraine. Mr. Sobraine also implied that this unique location will revitalize nearby neighborhoods, given the increased traffic, exhaust fumes, dangerous airborne particulates, and uninvited trespassers that have been so lacking for 50 years. 

The Valero Diesel/Gas Station and the City of Pittsburg plan a Grand Opening Celebration at the most inconvenient time for everyone. Personal, hand-written invitations will be delivered at taxpayer expense via non-electric vehicles to all Pittsburg residents immediately after the opening date.